I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
