I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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