Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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