girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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