and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
