i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
