Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
