Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
