He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
