I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
