Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
