he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
