what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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