Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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