There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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