He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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