Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
im about as happy as oj after his trial
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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