Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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