i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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