I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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