I want to have your abortion
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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