yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
