I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
