Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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