Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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