I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
