dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
