first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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