We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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