i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
