We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
