I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
