the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
