I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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