Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
