So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
