Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
