Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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