Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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