I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
