I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
