worst night to have a conscience
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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