her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
