never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Green mimosas i think yes
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
