I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
