"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
