woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
