how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
