My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
