how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
